Column: From the happiest single lady you'll ever meet—me—Happy Valentine's Day!
Since it's Valentine's Day, love has naturally been on my mind.
My sweet tooth.
Specifically, I can (and do!) purchase See's sweets for myself. I've been unmarried for about 13 years, starting from the day I got home from work and discovered a manila envelope on the kitchen table containing a divorce summons from my husband. At the time, he was sitting in the den talking calmly with my daughter, who was a senior in high school at the time, about the classes she intended to take in her first year of college.
"Do you not recall?" He said later, following my slightly insane act of dumping all his clothes onto the floor of the spare bedroom. "We always intended to file for divorce after Chloe graduated from high school."
I find it news that we had.
The divorce attorney I met with shook his head and said, "In my 25 years in this field, I have never heard of anyone filing for divorce without telling their spouse."I was so devastated that it took me several years before I could say the word "ex-husband" or bring up my divorce in casual conversation. I'd been married for so long that I just considered being a part of a pair to be who I was. I never really envisioned or perceived myself as single.
But even after all these years, I still find it impossible to picture myself as anything other than single. How in the world could people file for divorce after thirty years of marriage only to get married again? I've dated, of course, but I don't find it appealing to start over with a different man. My career is fulfilling, my friendships are strong, and my life is full.
My ex-husband changed during the course of their nearly 30-year marriage, and while I will always be angry with him for how he handled things in the end, the truth is that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. He desired to sell the house and go solo around the globe.
It required a lot of effort on my behalf to accept that. I wanted to remain mad at him, but how can you continue to be mad at someone for genuinely doing you a favor? We get along well these days. The kids and I take holidays together. He escorted our daughter down the aisle with me in October. Everything is good.
It required a lot of effort on my behalf to accept that. I wanted to remain mad at him, but how can you continue to be mad at someone for genuinely doing you a favor? We get along well these days. The kids and I take holidays together. He escorted our daughter down the aisle with me in October. Everything is good.
Actually, more than fine. I had no idea how much I would like living a single life.
My mother pulled me aside the evening before my wedding and advised me that being willing to make concessions was essential to a happy marriage. Definitely sound suggestion.
But how fortunate we are to be free from compromise now. I travel where I want, spend my money how I want, and arrange the dishes in the dishwasher how I want. Best of all, there will be no more conflict or strife!
Not that conflict is always negative. The married psychologists John and Julie Schwartz Gottman argue the value of marital conflict in their new book, "Fight Right."
My mother pulled me aside the evening before my wedding and advised me that being willing to make concessions was essential to a happy marriage. Definitely sound suggestion.
But how fortunate we are to be free from compromise now. I travel where I want, spend my money how I want, and arrange the dishes in the dishwasher how I want. Best of all, there will be no more conflict or strife!
Not that conflict is always negative. The married psychologists John and Julie Schwartz Gottman argue the value of marital conflict in their new book, "Fight Right."
The Gottmans state, "We tend to equate low levels of conflict with happiness, but that just isn't true." "A good connection isn't indicated by the lack of conflict; in fact, it can have the opposite effect. .. The kind of tension in a relationship does not determine its success or failure. Even the happiest pairs have arguments. It's the method you use.
The Gottman Marriage Institute was established in Seattle by the two in 1996 as a progression of the research that John Gottman and his research colleague Robert Levenson had been conducting at the University of Washington.
The two established a "apartment laboratory" on campus in 1986, and they welcomed couples to stay there so that scientists could observe how they interacted. Thousands of couples eventually offered to stay at the facility that was unavoidably christened the Love Lab. Researchers watched their discussions, body language, and facial expressions. Machines that tracked blood pressure and heart rates were connected to couples.
The two established a "apartment laboratory" on campus in 1986, and they welcomed couples to stay there so that scientists could observe how they interacted. Thousands of couples eventually offered to stay at the facility that was unavoidably christened the Love Lab. Researchers watched their discussions, body language, and facial expressions. Machines that tracked blood pressure and heart rates were connected to couples.
According to journalist Philip Weiss, Gottman gained notoriety for introducing scientific methods to a subject formerly dominated by therapists: regular marriage. Weiss, who had an unsatisfactory night at the Love Lab in 2000, stated that Gottman changed people's perception of marriage.
Gottman found that by watching the opening three minutes of an argument, he could fairly correctly predict how the relationship will turn out six years later. With an accuracy rate of over 90% on average, they could forecast if a couple will get a divorce.
He found that doomed couples communicated in four unpleasant ways: defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism. This idea is known as "the cascade model of relational dissolution" in technical parlance.
Gottman found that in times of conflict, couples that were destined to last maintained what he dubbed a "magic ratio": five pleasant exchanges for every one negative one.
When I reflect on my marriage, I can't for the life of me recall many of our arguments.
However, I am incredibly thankful that they are no longer with us.
He found that doomed couples communicated in four unpleasant ways: defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism. This idea is known as "the cascade model of relational dissolution" in technical parlance.
Gottman found that in times of conflict, couples that were destined to last maintained what he dubbed a "magic ratio": five pleasant exchanges for every one negative one.
When I reflect on my marriage, I can't for the life of me recall many of our arguments.
However, I am incredibly thankful that they are no longer with us.